The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
