so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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