Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
