i may or may not be watching the land before time
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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