I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
