you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
