I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
