there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Terrible idea I love it
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I want a musical about memes.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
