if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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