me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I take back everything I said about communal showers
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
