i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's blow job season.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
