It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
