Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Dear god my vagina.
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