When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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