happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
