please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
