dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
