soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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