I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
