he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize