if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
