God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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