you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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