it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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