There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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