you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We need a shit load of segways right now
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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