What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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