Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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