I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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