I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
