threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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