Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
