69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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