Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
