Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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