One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
