R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
