I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
