My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love having hate sex.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
