I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
