I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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