fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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