we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
