after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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