Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
