I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
