I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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