My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
