Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize