How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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