never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
