The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
