Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just got carded by a ten year old.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
