Porn is love you can see.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
