Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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