I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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