I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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