I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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