you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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