# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
