ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
