Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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