I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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