Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's official drugs can't kill me
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
