Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
