I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i've created a new STD.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
