woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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