The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
