I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
