i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
