I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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