I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize