Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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