I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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