Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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